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ho ho, i am having apple rum for dinner, courtesies of Tim.
Been having a very intense week. I have never felt so out of reach or beyond comfort. i keeping seeing under water,having recollections of being caught in undertow. Violently rolling and coming into impacts under the force of an invisible path. Rushing towards a bottleneck. i feel the hole feeling in my chest. I am finally being turned inside out but i don't have any hope for better things. This distance that I have in me is final. I have an area in myself that i do not encounter in other people except for perhaps Tim that makes me unable to relate to other people but gives me this feeling of a goal. What exists there is other, divine other, not me; something to reach. What is of me now is seen from a distant perspective at most times, while i am driven anyway. I don't want a long life anymore, i never really thought i would have one anyway. it's just very lonely. i know how to touch very well but it seems that very little knows how to touch me, particularly not from this distance.
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