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lost my wallet yesterday while in Stamford getting a new social security card. now i'm getting new everything. in twenty days i will be 22.
next weekend i will go to see Dad to drink wine and go apple picking.
I wish i could say what i mean to say but it feels like its too extreme just to say to other people. It is much easier to communicate things in descriptions of dreams and images so that i won't have to expose too much of the real-time. i have been in a place where people shouldn't go only because i had the inhuman will to hold there. it causes both the most vital life and makes dessication at the same time. I have liked to think that i have to learn to suffer in order not to suffer and it works i admit but not without a price. This is paralleled by private social events that i never talk about because i don't feel close enough to anyone to say it. recent events have caused me too lose something that feels like the last bit of youth. what kind of soul will produce ideas now? there will only be greater application of will and then it would be a chosen path to follow for life. i am already smoking myself half brain dead and excercising excessively to create a false state of relaxation. i don't know how its going to go.
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