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i feel like i've come to an impasse where i can either succeed or fail and at any time i feel myself wobbling towards either side. i'm having trouble with caring about going to school anymore. i feel like quitting. it's hard to think of a future ahead of me. Even if the world did not plummet into the kind of trouble i think it will, living is too cold and full of distance. i can keep myself going feeling if i just come to the end of my course and complete my study i can die a little closer to god. by that i mean i will enter into death not feeling worthless, like i didn't try enough. i do not doubt theat when you die you are judged. not by 'God' per se but by movement. and of course by side effect that makes living all the more worthwhile. but i am so tired of scraping out the husk for more. i read once that those who die of love put themselves through a mummification process and i have said it before that myself. i do not believe in immovable fate but when you reach the impasse there is no grey indulgent area to fall into any longer.
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